My Weight Loss Journey: Part 1 Self Love & Beating Depression

First let me say I cried while writing this, and it’s long so grab some coffee, tea, wine & tissues. I have never shared this full story before soooo here goes.

My weight loss from 2014-2017 completely happened from no where so to speak. I could tell you that  I traveled to an enchanted forest, ate unicorn dust, danced with fairies etc. Honestly it all started with self love. Leaving a toxic situation and learning to live for myself and my babies. If you live in misery you will look like misery.

Back Story

In 2011 I was engaged to an awesome guy. We worked for the same company, I was hesitant for the first date but finally I caved. He was an all around Mr.Wonderful, my first real boyfriend at the age of 23. We started dating in January and got engaged shortly after Valentines Day. You could say that I was young, dumb & star struck. I also had a big ego. I was going to be the first of 3 sisters to be married, and I was definitely on my high horse. I had a terrible relationship with one of my sisters and my mother.

At the age of 30…..I now know that a real man would’ve helped me overcome those bad family relationships, instead he fed off of it.  By May of 2011 I was pregnant, it was kind of exciting. Our relationship was up and down, but I figured it was normal. I was going to be married right? He started becoming verbally abusive and was drunk all of the time. Next came the day he tried to strangle me. But he apologized…..he was drunk…..I accepted. I was going to be married right????

Then the manipulation started. He made me quit my job…..then he stopped giving me money. Next he would stop filling the tank of my car and then he stopped paying the phone bill.

After baby #1 was born life was completely down the drain. It was obvious to family, but I didn’t want to look like a failure so I stayed. We were homeless, bouncing from hotel to hotel. I never knew what city we were in unless I picked up a phone book. Next I was pregnant with baby #2 while baby #1 was only 3months old. You see a lot of people ask why but nothing would ever make sense of it so it is what it is. I would reject sex, he would call me a cheater and threaten to kick me out. SO I complied…..simple as that.

Beautiful People

I met a very nice lady (Ms.Christine) while pregnant with baby #2, I’ll never forget how sweet she was. She let me stay in her home after their father abandoned us. As soon as we arrived to her house, she was on the phone with all of her friends and family, bragging about the baby and me. Her mom came over to meet us, brought items and it was so amazing. The first time was 2 days, the second time was a full week. Finally I could sleep in a clean bed and I didn’t have to worry about being kicked out by hotel staff in the morning. You see their dad would wake up early every morning and leave us. Sometimes he would pay for the room and sometimes he wouldn’t.  After the second stay at Ms. Christine’s house she drove baby #1 and I  miles away to my parents house.

Before I met Ms. Christine, I also met a few other nice people. The staff at a local grocery store saw me buy baby food and nothing for myself. I literally had change in my pocket, just enough to buy jar baby food, I sat around that store almost the whole day because I had no where else to go. The manager came out to me and said the deli manager saw me sit around all day and eat nothing so she insisted that they feed me. Another night, I used the phone at a local restaurant, they found out I was homeless and the ladies there gave me all of the tips they had earned for the night. I have also spent a week at a transitional home called the Rainbow House. It was an experience like no other and I have since volunteered there to show how much I appreciate them.

Looking back on days like that is what keeps me going. Its tough out here, but I’ve already beat the odds.

 

Together Again

I gave birth to baby #2 and stayed with my parents a few months. Their dad moved to the same city as us and we started having family outings. He wanted us back and I wanted the kids to have their father. He finally had a house instead of a dirty hotel, so I trusted that he had pulled himself together. We lasted in that house all of 3 months. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house, he was drunk everyday, some nights he didn’t come home and he was violent. He also paid no attention to the kids. On the rare occasions he was home we would fight. He tried to put me out in the snow, dragged me by my feet until I fought back. He tore my glasses off of my face, broke them in half and threw them at me.

I Hated Myself

He would often judge this new body. Point out saggy skin, love handles, drooping breast. As if I didn’t already hate my post baby body…then he’d knock me up again. He complained about my curly hair…said I looked like a child. It was obvious that he hated everything about me, and I began to hate myself too. Depression set in, I would sometimes think of suicide but could never bring myself to do it. I was unhappy but I felt like I chose him and I had his babies so I was stuck. Next I was pregnant with baby #3 and enough was enough.

One day I decided that he was the worthless one. I knew leaving would mean I chose to be a single mother…unfortunately I was also choosing to have fatherless children. Having him around wasn’t beneficial to the kids or myself so leaving was the best option. As soon as I stepped foot out that door a weight was instantly lifted. In the 3months we lived in that house I left it ONE TIME before this day.  We were free.

Fuck This Shit!

And that my dear is where the “Unicorn Dust” aka Self Love entered  my life.

Keeping my family together seemed like the right thing to do, but it was not the BEST thing to do. Sometimes we have this grand plan for our life but God has a better plan and we should follow it.

I set out on a journey to learn who I was and who I wanted to be. I had been brainwashed for the last 3 years. In 2015 I finally got a job, moved into our first home,I had friends, my babies smiled daily. Life was amazing, I wasn’t forced to sit around pregnant, I wasn’t homeless or hungry. I was happy.

As you can see the weight just fell off, it was insane! I didn’t diet, work out, or watch what I ate. I was simply HAPPY.

 

On my 28th birthday I got this awesome Skeleton Key tattoo with the kids names. Because I WANTED TO.

On Mother’s Day 2016 I didn’t want a spa day…I got my nipples pierced to remind myself I’m still a bad ass. Because I WANTED TO.

Never let what someone thinks of you change the way you feel about yourself. Now here we are 2018…still happy…still free and loving me.

Part 2 will be about my detox tips & tricks I’ve been using to maintain my weight. Moving out and dating means I’m cooking more and eating more soooooo I actually have to keep my figure in tact now! I’ve gotten to 136lbs and I’m happier than I was in my my 125lb body from 2017.

XoXo-Sam

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2 comments

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I 💘 you!

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thank you so much!

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